


Erwin Can Remember

by h311agay



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Erwin POV, M/M, no more tags because spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 10:46:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3975214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h311agay/pseuds/h311agay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi has been giving Erwin the cold shoulder. When Erwin discovers why, will he be strong enough to keep going? Will Levi?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erwin Can Remember

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to apologise in advance. It's angsty.

Erwin can remember when Levi laughed, head thrown back and teeth showing; he had always had the worst humour. Erwin can remember when Levi used to smile. Of course it never did really reach his eyes, but he smiled nonetheless, genuine smiles. Smiles prompted by his friends, precious people, really. Erwin can remember when Levi used the scream, blinded by fury and loss, his eyes wide and pupils small. He was screaming, his throat gone raw from the ferocity of his yells. Erwin can remember when Levi cried. Hot, hot tears that fell as fast-- if not faster than-- the rain. Sobs that racked his body and kept them both up at night. Erwin can remember when Levi used to love, blindly and powerful. Forgiving Erwin, forgiving himself. They ravaged each other's bodies late into the night, loving and holding and just being. Erwin can remember when Levi used to speak. His words filled with vulgar language but beautiful meanings, powerful messages. Words laced with hope. Erwin can't remember when it all stopped. He knows that it all disappeared piece by piece; breaking off and burrowing somewhere deep within Levi. First the laughs, the smiles, the screaming. Then the crying left. Erwin can't remember when the love stopped, when their nights became empty and the blanket between them became and ocean. He longed for the gentle caresses and interwoven fingets, and he yearned for the hot breaths and quiet moans and the passionate sounds of love making. Erwin can not remember when it all stopped; all he knows is that it did and he misses it.

Erwin can remember crawling to Levi's bed late into the night, rousing the soldier from his slumber. Erwin can remember the hot kisses and frantic biting of his neck as the smaller body rocked against him. He can remember half-pleads, half-demands from Levi to take him. To take his body and to control it for the night. Erwin can remember tight heat clenched around fingers and tight heat, lust so intoxicating, clenched around throbbing body parts. He can remember the hisses and groans of pain, the mewling cries for more. Erwin can remember the nails down his back, the fire in his veins. Erwin can remember ragged breathing and hoarse moans. He can remember the languid ecstasy that followed the after shocks of an orgasm. Erwin cannot remember when it all stopped. He cannot remember when hot fingers became cold shoulders and soft spoken words became soft snores. He cannot remember the last time they made love. Erwin cannot remember the last time Levi even told him he loved him. He cannot remember the last time Levi showed Erwin that he loved him. He cannot remember the last time Levi brought him a cup of tea or the last time he woke up with a blanket over top of him after falling asleep at his desk. Erwin cannot remember the last time that Levi looked at him.

Erwin can remember when Levi's cries filled the barracks, agonized and longing. At first, Levi refused to let anyone-- especially Erwin-- comfort him. He would lay on his bed, on his stomach, and release his sadness and pain into his bed sheets and pillows. He'd cry and cry and cry, loud obnoxious cries. Erwin can remember when the sobs, eventually, became quiet tears just racing down his face Levi's cheeks. Erwin can remember crawling Levi's bed and pulling the smaller man into his arms. Erwin can remember chanting _"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry"_ over and over and over. Erwin can remember Levi begging and crying, throat raw, _"kill me kill me kill me._ " Erwin can remember wiping away those tears and kissing his blushed cheeks, hot and damp from the tears. He can remember kissing Levi's quivering lips, feeling his hot, shaky breath against his own mouth. Erwin can remember kissing him until he fell asleep and kissing him asleep every night until the those tears stopped. But Erwin cannot remember when the crying stopped.

Erwin can remember the screaming. The agonized, hurting screaming that left Levi in shambles, tattered and desperate. He can remember the screaming that filled the long nights after his loss; he can remember the screaming of one having a nightmare. Erwin doesn't know when Levi stopped screaming, stoppes healing.

Erwin can remember when Levi smiled, mouth quirking up and eyes glinting deviously. Something broke in him long ago and he stopped smiling. But, Erwin can remember when the raven-haired man would shake his head with the corners of his mouth turned up and his eyes rolling and nose scrunching. Erwin can remember when Levi laughed. His lips parting and a soft, airy sound would escape him. His grey eyes would light up and a slight flush would cross his cheeks. Erwin missed that sound, that sight.

\-------------

Erwin stepped into the room, sighing inwardly when he saw Levi, apparently fast asleep and his back to the other. The pale man's gentle snores were the only sounds that Erwin had heard from Levi in ages. He sat on the bed, pulling off his boots and shrugging off his Survey jacket. Levi turned slightly in his sleep, but Erwin paid no mind; it wasn't like Levi would even look at him anymore.

"Erwin." The commander didn't react to his name being spoken, just began to unbutton his shirt. He jumped when he felt a tug on his sleeve and he turned in surprise to face Levi, who's grey eyes were cloudy and unfocused. "Erwin," he repeated, voice cracking and quiet. "I'm sorry. Please, please hold me," he begged, reaching for Erwin but still not looking at him.

"Why should I, Levi? You've completely ignored me for months. I have begged you to answer me, talk to me, tell me what's wrong. And all you've done is turn your back to me and give me the silent treatment. I just wanted to _help_." Erwin pulled away from Levi's grasp, ignoring the tug on heart strings when Levi made a broken sound.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm sorry. I love you. I _do_ , Erwin. I'm just... I'm sorry."

"Then," Erwin began, standing and looking down at Levi, "look me in the eyes and tell me that."

"I can't," he deadpanned, his voice so dead, so hurting.

Anger flashed through Erwin. "Why the hell not? I have been there with you through almost everything! I've been with you for years. I was there when you lost Isabel and Farlan, there when you lost your entire squad. I held you, healed you. Helped wrap and clean and care for all your wounds, whether they were physical or not. And even after all of this, you can't look me in the eyes and apologise to me?"

"I can't," he whispered, tears building up in his smokey orbs. "I can't, I can't, I can't, I _can't_!"

"Why the hell not!" Erwin's voice was loud and angry.

Levi threw himself from the bed, stumbled but then righted himself. Tears raced down his cheeks but he didn't cry out. He clenched his jaw and snapped, "Because, goddammit, I'm going blind, Erwin!"

He felt his heart stop at Levi's words. He felt time stop and every fiber of pent up anger and frustration deflate from him so quickly that Erwin was shocked and surprised, almost baffled, to find he was still standing and hadn't been reduced to a pile of empty flesh folded and crumpled on the floor at Levi's feet. "Blind?" That was all he was able to breathe out before his lungs faltered.

"Yes."

Erwin couldn't believe it. Levi was going blind. Humanity's Strongest, one of the world's most valued soldiers, the love of his life was going blind. In this field, in this /world/, blindless equated death. Levi couldn't fight without his sight. How would he even take care of his basic functions? Erwin felt the world around him spinning, breaking, shattering. The world was broken; _Erwin's_  world was broken.

"It's all a blur of colour until my hand or whatever I'm looking at is right in front of my face." Levi's voice held such sadness and Erwin realised that he had looked away from the soldier as if his presence was painful. "I'm worthless now, Erwin. All the promises of me seeing the last Titan fall, of saving humanity, of _us_... They're all lies now. Empty, dead promises. I'd be better off dead."

"Levi--"

"I'd be better off dead and you know it, Erwin. Don't deny it. I can't fight, I can't see. I can't take care of my basic needs like bathing and eating if I can't _see_. I'm going to become a burden-- I already am-- and by the Walls, Erwin..." he practically screamed out the man's name and it left him hunched and holding himself. He fell back onto the bed and his voice became so soft, so quiet, that Erwin had to strain to hear him. "I don't want to live as a burden. I don't want to be alive anymore."

Erwin sucked in a breath, feeling his every fiber unravel. Memories of past nights-- nights both tried to forget-- flooded through Erwin's, nights where he held Levi in his arms, against his chest, cradled his head. _"I don't wan't to be alive, kill me, kill me, Erwin, just kill me!'_

"I won't ask you to kill me, Erwin," he muttered, seemingly aware of where the blonde's mind had gone. His face was now pressed against Erwin's chest. The older man wasn't even aware that he had moved to hold Levi. "I won't ask that of you. But please, Erwin, don't stop me from killing myself."

"No. I refuse to let you kill yourself, Levi. I don't care if you think you're worthless; I will fight with my last breath to tell you otherwise. You are not a burden, not in my eyes." Erwin kissed him, hoping that would be enough.

* * *

Weeks had passes since Levi informed Erwin of his failing sight. Erwin dreaded the moment his world would actually come tumbling and send fractured splinters into his heart.

* * *

Erwin can remember when Levi laughed, when Levi smiled. He sat on a cold, dying patch of grass, the December air nipping his his exposed skin. Erwin can remember when Levi used to scream and cry, those nights would forever haunt the commander. Large calloused fingers traced a grey rock, rough and crumbling slightly due to its naturally soft texture. Erwin smiled at Levi and at the memories of him and Levi spending long, heated nights in each other's embrace.

"December Twenty-Fifth," Erwin spoke aloud to the silent air, eyes still on Levi. Erwin's smile grew almost sad. He could remember when Levi used to see. That simple luxury had been stolen from the soldier, however, it wasn't all that bad in reality. Erwin can remember pushing the item that Levi was searching for just ever so closer and watching as pride and relief crossed the man's face.

Erwin's fingers continued to run along the stone as he held back a loud yawn. The sun was just barely peeking over the horizon and the sky was grey and the air was still filled with mist and slow falling, fat flakes of snow. "You listening Levi? This story will actually make you laugh, and if you don't, you're just not human and that's that." Erwin didn't receive a response, but he was okay with that. He knew that Levi was just patiently waiting for Erwin to finish. "So, yesterday, Hanji was having this massive fit..." He spoke and he laughed and sometimes he stopped to breathe and stare. But all the while, Levi was silent, not a word slipping from his lips.

"Happy birthday, Levi," Erwin declared, setting a bouquet of roses between them, the ground crunching beneath their weight. "I love you."

He removed his hand from the stone, fingers grazing over Levi's name and date of death.

Erwin can remember when Levi used to live.


End file.
